Thinking Too Much
by Trunks lil' sis
Summary: Mal knows Simon has been wronged. He knows he has been wronged, and it eats away at him. SLASH MalSimon


Thinking Too Much:  
  
Mal knows Simon has been wronged. He knows he has been wronged, and it eats away at him. He sees it every time Simon sets foot in his infirmary, and every time they land near a Core Planet. Hell, he also feels it when they haven't been near a Core Planet in months. It doesn't matter if they're drifting or steady; he always feels it.  
  
When he and Zoe are out on the job, or when something serious comes up, the feeling goes to the back of his mind. Mal knows how to balance his thoughts and feelings. He knows how to just almost forget Simon. It's always a just almost, because Simon never really leaves his mind. On some level, he always thinks about Simon. He thinks on some level everyone always thinks about Simon, and he isn't sure if this comforts him.  
  
He often wonders who really is to blame. He wants to blame the only person near him. He wants to blame River, but she is like a little sister to him, or a daughter. River is like Kaylee and he can't bring himself to place the blame. He's often frustrated by this. Frustrated that he loves her, yet harbors some resentment that she stresses Simon so bad. He knows that she knows this, and his guilt grows. He never means to hurt her with his thoughts; he just wants Simon to find peace.  
  
He thinks occasionally that he can blame himself. Maybe if they had never stopped to pick up passengers. Maybe if he had told Kaylee not to accept anyone onboard. Maybe if he had done things different, Simon wouldn't have come with them. But then he thinks of where the wayward doctor might have ended up. He thinks of how River might not be safe with anyone else. These are the times he thinks the blame isn't placed on him.  
  
Rarely Mal finds himself blaming Simon, of all people. He thinks if Simon wasn't so compassionate, and if he wasn't so caring, he wouldn't have gone after River. If Simon thought of himself for one moment, instead of others, things might have been better.  
  
After all these have passed Mal wants to blame Simon's parents. He wants to scold them for not taking better care of their children. He wants to demand to know why they didn't find more things out about River's academy. He doesn't think they deserved a son like Simon or a daughter like River. Both are gifts, and they are fools. Mal wants to know why they are so blind. He wants to hurt them. He doesn't want Simon to hurt because of them.  
  
Most of the time Mal knows Simon has been wronged by the Alliance. This is a far more respectable theory. The Alliance is to blame for many things, so why not Simon's troubles? He blames the assholes who hurt River and he blames the men who gave the orders. But Mal doesn't like to blame the Alliance, because his blame of Simon often crosses into his blame of the war. He wants to concentrate on the Alliances' blame for Simon's troubles, not his own resentment of the Alliance because of the war. They cross far too often, and Mal doesn't place the blame there because of that.  
  
Mal knows Simon should be working in a big, fancy hospital. He should be on good terms with his parents. Simon should be wearing the best clothing and going to the best places. He should be making honest money and not watching his back. Mal feels bad because Simon should be scaring the boys away from his sister, not worrying if the boys will be scared of her. Simon shouldn't have to worry about keeping her safe, and keeping her in check. Simon shouldn't have half the worries, but he does.  
  
Mal knows he spends too much thinking about the man, and too little talking. He knows he ought to forge more than a shaky friendship, but he's afraid. He's afraid to break his hard shell, and he's afraid to let the other man attempt. He's scared to let on to anything. He doesn't want Simon to know how much he thinks, knows, or feels. He's scared to death Simon will know just how much he cares. He isn't ready for Simon to know. He isn't sure if he'll be ready for Simon at anytime.  
  
Mal knows part of the reason he doesn't want to expose himself to Simon, is because he doesn't want to wrong Simon anymore. Everything he gets near is hurt or destroyed in one way. He doesn't want to risk that happening to Simon. He wants to keep Simon as pure as possible. He just knows if he goes near Simon, bad things will happen. He has the memories to back this claim up. He cares too much. Cares so much he doesn't see he is hurting Simon by staying away.  
  
Mal has decided to find a way to make things right with Simon. Realistically he knows it is impossible. He knows Simon will never be able to go back to his old life. Mal is ashamed to know Simon has slowly become one of them. He's sad he's ashamed because he knows he shouldn't be. He's mostly sad that Simon could have had the best. Even if Simon and River's warrants were recalled, they could never have a normal life. But Mal is determined to make things Right. He wants to try and undo the wrongness upon Simon.  
  
Mal wonders if Simon knows what a wonderful person he is. Mal can just stand and watch the doctor through the infirmary windows for hours. Because the doctor moves with such a grace few are blessed with. Mal knows it isn't from growing up with the best, or having etiquette forced down his throat. This kind of grace is natural and a marvel. But that isn't all that Mal finds wondrous about Simon.  
  
He finds Simon is beautiful inside and out. Yes, Simon is selfless, courageous and morally ruled, be he is also a sight for eyes. Mal thinks he perhaps has never seen a man or woman rival such beauty. Mal longs to run his fingers through Simon's silken hair, and peer into crystal blue eyes for eternity. He wants to draw his arms around Simon's shoulders and pull the man close. He wants to hold him forever, even if he knows he can't.  
  
Mal likes to dream. He likes to dream one day they won't have to worry about fueling the ship and putting food on the table. One day Simon and River won't be wanted. One day in the future Simon will feel like he belongs. Simon won't look longingly out the windows and part of him won't wish he was still working in an Alliance hospital. In the future Simon will share his bed willingly. The only problem with dreams is that's what they are.  
  
He wonders if someone else will make a move before he does. He wonders if Kaylee will push harder, and if Simon will give him. If Jayne will be a violent problem he'll have to deal with. If Inara will grow into liking him as more than a brother. These thoughts plague him at night, and he often pulls at his pillow too tightly. These thoughts are almost enough for him to make the short journey to Simon's room, but not enough.  
  
Mal thinks he's in love with Simon. He just might be, be he isn't jumping to admit it. He thinks he's in love because of all the reasoning and all the thoughts that run through his mind. And he also thinks being in love might not be so bad, as long as he can control it. He isn't worried he can't control it. Well, perhaps just a little. He almost became lost to it with Jayne's betrayal. He almost killed Jayne over Simon.  
  
Mal doesn't know if being in love with Simon is a strength or weakness. He isn't sure if he wants to find out either. Simon makes him feel whole. Makes him feel as if there is more than hope, as if there is a solid future. Simon gives him strength he has never felt before. These great strengths are almost too much, and dissolve into weakness.  
  
Simon makes him feel extreme jealousy, such as he has never felt before. Even his sweet, innocent Kaylee sets him off. He feels dizzy when in close proximity, and feels his knees weaken. He becomes concerned for Simon's safety, over the crews as a whole. This is a dangerous game he knows, and should be stopped immediately. But he can't bring himself to stop. The weakness breeds the strength.  
  
Mal knows things will never be as he wants them, and has grown to accept this. He knows his life forever will be a constant struggle. If he decides to approach Simon, he can only hope the man will be there with him for that future. Even if it is a long shot, and even if the odds are not in the favor, though the odds are never in their favor.  
  
Mal knows Simon has been wronged. He knows it with every beat of his heart. He knows the man has lost everything and gained little in return. He knows this wrongness cannot be righted easily. He hopes one day he can make a change. He hopes one day Simon will know how he feels and will return these feelings.  
  
Mal hopes one day Simon will not be so wronged. 


End file.
